Follicular Discrimination

Okay, you're going to think I have hair on the brain (after the beard thing) and you're right. I do. I was sitting in class not long ago and during a dry patch in the lecture I started to notice the variety of coifs in the room. I began to wonder how the human race came to hold such significant prejudices about people based solely on the location and thickness of their hair.

Do you know a bald man? A bald woman? Do you laugh at them behind closed doors? Be honest. Do you stand in front of the mirror admiring your own flowing mane and pray, “Thank you Lord that I am not like the balds, who have no hair”? Are you proud?

Now – do you have back hair? If so, do you use conditioner on it? Gel? Butch wax? Highlights? Do you blow dry it? Perm it? Look at it in the mirror to make sure it is presentable? No? Exactly.

My purpose in this post is two-fold: 1) to expose the discrimination and hypocrisy inherent in the world of hair, in which having certain kinds of hair is admirable and having other kinds of hair is repugnant; and 2) to change the pervasive pro-headhair mindset of our culture. I understand that to most, my ideas will be revolutionary and paradigm-breaking. And while I will be the first to admit I’m no Copernicus, I would like to one day be a household name, known to all as the man who dared to declare “the world is not flat” as it pertains to hair.

I’m going to challenge everything you believe about hair. And I’m going to give you the opportunity to leave the Hair Matrix – that man-made illusion in which head hair is good and back hair is evil. If you choose to stay, that’s your choice. You can continue to live with blinders on, a pathetic pawn of the Man. The Hair Man. Or you can join the Revolution and celebrate your hair no matter where it happens to grow.

Before you assume that I’m a bald man with an ax to grind, you should know that I have a full head of thick hair. In that respect, I would be considered “acceptable” to society. (I am not without my own personal oddity, though. While I am well-covered with hair, I have no facial hair. I can grow a beard anywhere on my body but my face.) In a sense that makes me the perfect person to preach this message– I’m not motivated by any psychological factors.

First, the universal importance of the location of our hair is ludicrous. Question: why isn’t head hair repulsive? How would I be regarded if I had thick, nappy hair growing out of the palms of my hands? Would you shake my hand? I didn’t think so. What if I had dreadlocks on my calves? Would I be welcome at the public pool? What about a long pony-tail coming out of the back of my swimming trunks. I’d be arrested. Even if conditioned, healthy, and shiny, my calf-locks and hiny-tail would never be regarded as anything other than a medical mystery at best or a social suicide at worst.

But if I have head hair, I’m the belle of the ball. Look at me – I’m Fabio (minus the tan, muscles, height, and charm)!

It makes no sense! Hair is hair! Look at it under a microscope and it all looks the same!

There is even discrimination among head hair. It’s not enough to be head hair - you have to be the right kind of head hair. How appealing to society is the prominent mono-brow commonly seen on men (and women) of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean descent? There is a major industry out there offering services to remove these things. What about ear hair? Do you have a grandfather? If so, the odds are he either plucks that hair, or he looks like he is hosting a woodchuck in his ear. When you see the woodchuck, does it give you warm fuzzies? (No pun intended.) See?

And then there is nose hair. What is so wrong with nose hair? Nothing, I tell you. Nothing. But we have been culturally conditioned to dispose of our nose hair. It is considered shameful to have a tuft peaking out of your nose.

I'm here to tell you God gave us nose hair and He expects us to use it. It does serve a purpose: it keeps our brain and sinuses warm.

But what if you have the right kind of head hair, but the wrong kind of body hair? Have you seen the Mexican dog-boys on the TV news shows? They are a family of Mexicans who are like Teen Wolf, but for real. They work in a circus because its the only place they can find any kind of acceptance - albeit in a cage next to the Elephant Man. The dog-boys are a literal circus sideshow. I have to be honest, my own cultural conditioning made it very difficult to look at these chaps without coughing. But when you think about it, it’s just hair. They are very well groomed. And the interviewer was asking very personal questions and treating the dog-boys like freaks. Then it came to light that one of the dog-boys has a girlfriend. A “normal” girlfriend. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Here is someone who gets it – it’s just hair. The dog-boys are people, too. But the interviewer almost passed out. “Doesn’t his hair bother you?” “Don’t you feel self-conscious being with him?” “Do you have an intimate relationship with him?” I wanted to scream, “You could use a shave yourself, Barbara!”

I understand that the dog-boys are an extreme example of hair discrimination but they make the point. Why is it that thick hair on your head is okay, but thick hair anywhere else will get you on TV?

And we attach significance not only to the location of hair, but to the quantity. Got hair on your head, but only twenty or thirty of 'em? You're an outcast. You're not getting a date, a job, or a Barbara Walters special.

This particular prejudice has caused all manners of desperate behavior in those who are "bald." (It may be appropriate here to tell you that I have personally rejected the term "bald." These people aren't bald - they have hair. Somewhere. And I refuse to participate in the discrimination inherent in such an inflammatory term. I now refer to baldness as "an alternative hairstyle.") Know anyone who wears a toupee? Overcome with fear of the stigma of the alternative hairstyle, these poor fellows have jettisoned all common sense. They aren't fooling anyone. Our society of hair worshipers can spot that rat carcass a mile away. The irony is that these folks, who are so desperate to fit in with the hair elite that they knowingly wear dead animals on their heads, are even more marginalized than the regular alternative hairstyle crowd. It's sad, people, and its got to stop.

Then there's the comb-over. There is debate as to whether this is a step up or down from the toupee. Either way it's mind-blowing. "I want people to like me so I'm going to apply Miracle-Gro to my arm pits, grow a three-foot long pit-tail, and use starch and puzzle glue to fashion it into a four-inch diameter disk placed on my head that a NASA satellite might mistake for natural hair growth."

My point is that people should be free to enjoy their hair wherever it happens to grow. No more shaving, plucking, or Rogaining your way to acceptance. No more looking down on those with a full-body beard. No more marginalizing those of the alternative hairstyle.

No more follicular discrimination.