Man vs. Wild (Wings)

I've just finished watching Bear Grylls survive in another extremely unforgiving environment. It occurs to me that he is surviving in ridiculous situations that almost no one will ever experience. I can survive anything he can - and with less energy. It's easy - I don't go to exotic places.

Anyway, I've decided to use my own expertise to try to prepare some of you for a situation you are much more likely to encounter. You see, I'm somewhat of an avid indoorsman. I've spent entire days in a movie theater. I've climbed to the top of a bunk bed and dozed for 14+ hours. And I've gone years without so much as a hint of color in my skin. And I'm going to show you what you need to do to survive an entire weekend vegging on the recliner. You can call me Bird Wells.

The key here is planning. If you fail to assemble the necessary equipment and supplies, you run the risk of finding yourself in a truly desperate situation. There are five pillars of survival in this kind of adventure: equipment, sustenance, elimination, shelter, and entertainment.

We start with equipment. Trust me, on an adventure like this one, you will live or die by your equipment. Of course, first of all we'll need a mini-fridge, at least a waist-high model. Those little knee-high jobs will never cut it. Even better, if you have the resources, a full-size fridge will give you the best odds of having a successful vegg. Also, placement will be key - it must be right next to the recliner so that you don't have to get up to retrieve food and drink. And make sure when it opens the door doesn't block the TV. Next, we'll need a microwave. The best place to put this is on top of the fridge. That way you have all your sustenance equipment right at your fingertips.

Now lets talk sustenance. First, a primary concern during this ordeal is to stay hydrated. It takes focus and determination to consistently replenish your fluids. It is so easy to underestimate how much liquid you're going to need for a whole weekend. Not long ago, there was a chap in Raleigh attempting a long weekend in the recliner. He failed to stock pile enough Kool-Aid and by the last day he found himself so thirsty, he had no choice but to get out of the recliner and go to the kitchen for some tapwater. I could tell story after story just like this one. Don't make the same mistake. Just pick your favorite drink or two and secure two gallons for each day of the vegg. I prefer Mountain Dew and coffee (I put the coffee maker on top of the microwave.)

Next, food. Really we want to think about what will maximize our enjoyment of the weekend. I think most of us immediately think of Buffalo Wild Wings. The protein will be crucial for the kind of endurance we're looking for. The varied intensities of the sauces will bolster our morale as our eyelids get heavy late in the evenings. Now I know some of you prefer the original wings on the bone, but we've got to be smart here. We must conserve energy any way we can. That means only boneless wings, so that we're not wasting valuable calories stripping the bones. I know something like that may seem silly, but take it from me, little details like this can mean the difference between leisure...and work.

Now, as far as the quantity of wings, only you really know what you will need per meal. You should keep in mind, though, that we have to walk a fine line between the hint of hunger on the one hand and the complication of our elimination game plan on the other. I personally can eat four boneless wings and 8-10 buffalo chips per meal. With any luck my digestive system will behave in a characteristic fashion and I won't be eliminating any solids the whole weekend. Some of you may not be so lucky. But don't worry - there are solutions. If your bowels are reasonably responsive to pharmaceutical suggestion, you may be able to get by with a double dose of Immodium every six hours. (Consult your physician.) For some, that may be all you need. For others, you may be forced to eliminate. My brother-in-law, The West Virginian, is a home healthcare nurse, and tells me there are a number of high quality portable thrones that you can place right next to your recliner. I realize that our objective is to not leave the recliner for the whole weekend, but worst case all you need to do is shift your weight a foot or so onto the stool, eliminate, and shift back into the recliner. In situations like this, you just have to reach deep inside yourself and do whatever is necessary to survive. Challenges like this can bring out the worst in us, but they can also bring out the best in us. You get to decide.

Okay, liquid elimination is, of course, far easier to deal with, especially for the blokes. As you work your way through the beverage jugs, you then simply use them as elimination receptacles. This is vegging survival 101 and shouldn't be a problem unless you have company.

Next, shelter. Actually, this just entails gathering blankets, a fan, and possibly a change or two of underwear. The key is that you don't want to be too cold or too hot at any time. Your blanket will keep you warm in case of an evening chill. The fan will cool you if the sun hits the nearest wall of the house during the heat of the day. Remember - you won't be able to adjust the thermostat from your recliner. Be prepared for the elements to challenge your determination.

Last, entertainment. This is huge. This is another facet that requires serious planning. All of the other preparations are completely for nought if you spend the weekend bored. I recommend a variety of forms to ensure that endurance doesn't become a factor. If at all possible, get satellite TV with a DVR. That way you can be taping things for several weeks before the adventure. For me, it's several hours of Ultimate Fighting, 6-10 Clint Eastwood movies, the Star Wars Saga (sans all the scenes in Episode 1 not involving Darth Maul), and Lassie. But you pick. Football? Baseball? Judge Judy? Whatever you find engaging. Also, I'd like to add that there is nothing in the world wrong with reading - many DVR's also offer the capability of surfing the internet right on the tube, offering you unlimited reading material.

There you have it. All the things you should have in order to beat the odds and survive this ordeal. One last word on safety, though. Every 3-4 hours, plan to roll onto one side for 30 minutes. After the next 3-4 hours roll onto the other side. This is crucial as bedsores could threaten your ability to cross the finish line. Also, keep a phone within arm's reach for emergencies. It's not uncommon on your first excursion into extended lounging to miscalculate a need or two and be forced to call a friend or relative to bring you food or drink. The last thing you want in a situation like that is to not have your phone right there. In fact, have your cell as a backup for the landline.

There are some of you who will fail. Not everyone has the fortitude to expend 72 hours of their life with absolutely nothing productive to show for it. Don't be ashamed. You're in the majority. But if you fancy yourself a thrill seeker, you will relish the opportunity to test yourself, pushing yourself to the limit as you burn 3 entire days eating, drinking, sleeping, and watching TV. Good luck.