Awareness Awareness

The more I look around, the more stickers, banners, window decals, and billboards I see clamoring for my Awareness, and it is almost always something of which I was already Aware. I have Awareness overload. Of course, the granddaddy of Awareness is AIDS Awareness. Is there a person on the planet over the age of eighteen months who is not Aware of AIDS? Or is it that the maker of the red lapel ribbon wants us to know more about AIDS? Honestly, there are a lot of things about AIDS that I wish I didn’t know, mainly related to its transmission. I understand that people get it through blood transfusions and birth, but I suspect the whole situation would be drastically improved if the people who are giving AIDS to others through blood transfusions and birth had a smidgeon of self-control. Maybe this one should be re-labeled Stop-Having-Relations-With-People-You’re-Not-Married-To Awareness.

I realize that many of you may think I have a callused soul for saying such things. You may be considering making Jerk Awareness your new cause. Go ahead – you can’t possibly be heard among all the Awareness noise.

I did some research and found a host of other Awarenessi out there. One of my favorites is Self-Injury Awareness. What? Self-Injury Awareness? Don’t those who have a problem with this already know it? It seems to me that people who burn, slash, bludgeon, or otherwise maim themselves are probably receiving within their own physiology signals that something is awry. Now, do the Self-Injury Awareness people just want me to be Aware of it so that I won’t fall prey to it? Tell you what, don’t worry about me. I’m good. I once accidentally burned off the eyelashes on my right eye – as an adult. Trust me, I don’t have a penchant for self-inflicted wounds.

There are hundreds of these out there. Stalking Awareness, Thyroid Awareness, Heartworm Awareness, Termite Awareness, Caffeine Awareness, Math Awareness, Goat Trauma Awareness, Accordion Awareness – I’m not making these up. What’s next? Hangnail Awareness? Caramel-Vanilla-Coffee-Creamer Awareness? Carpet-Tape Awareness? How about Life-Is-Hard Awareness? You know, there’s only so much attention to go around. At some point, something has to give.

Whatever happened to people just worrying about their own problems? I do have some things in my own life of which I am painfully Aware, and yet I don’t go out and publicize them. There’s Hemorrhoid Awareness. This one is genetic. My dad was a pioneer of the cause. He gave much blood, sweat, and tears for the movement – every movement, actually, until he had what he called a ‘butt-ectomy.’ And he “passed” a huge volume of this Awareness on to me. But when I personally received my first jolt of Hemorrhoid Awareness, my initial thought was not, “People need to know about this.” Rather, I was thinking, “Wow. That smarts. How am I going to keep a lid on this while walking like I have a raging diaper rash?” It never occurred to me to make it my personal mission to let the whole world know about my posterior suffering.

If you have read some of my past posts, you may also know about Beardlessness Awareness. I am only half a man. Although I do talk about it openly, I don’t try to make people cry about it or spend their free time pondering the plight of all those around the globe suffering from facial hairlessness.

I also have Elephantitis-Of-The-Nose Awareness. The kids at school pointed this one out to me when I was about twelve. Believe it or not, I did not have t-shirts made up that said, “Every year 5.3 people smother under the weight of their own noses – isn’t it time we do something?” I didn’t start a Nose Relief Fund and go shakedown total strangers for rhinoplasty. Maybe I’m unusual, but my parents taught me not to whine.

I think Webster should define Awareness as “please make my problem your problem by giving me money.” In other words, they aren’t as interested in my Awareness as they are in my money’s Awareness. What they don’t understand is that my money’s Awareness is quite over-extended as it is. There’s Self-Employment-Tax Awareness, also known as Uncle-Sam-Taking-Me-Out-Behind-The-Woodshed-For-Being-An-Entrepreneur Awareness. We have School-Loan Awareness, Mortgage Awareness, Four-Kids Awareness, Disposable-Underwear-So-My-Two-Youngest-Can-Poop-In-Their-Pants Awareness, and the greatest concern -- The-Most-Incompetent-School-District-In-The-State-Of-Ohio-Just-Passed-A-School-Levy-So-Even-Though-I-Homeschool-My-Kids-My-Mortgage-Payment-Is-Going-To-Go-Up-$50-Dollars-A-Month Awareness. Believe me, my money lays awake at night worrying because it is so Aware. It has no Awareness left to give.

So, I’ve decided to add one more Awareness to the fray, but if it catches on, it should go a long way to decreasing all the Awareness noise. It is Awareness Awareness. I want the world to know that there is way too much Awareness out there, and every human should do his or her part to end the suffering. If I can just enlist a few obnoxious, out-of-touch celebrities to make it their pet cause, it could be huge. Instead of wearing an Awareness ribbon, I’ll have them wear a chalk outline of a ribbon. But I also need your help – email this to everyone you know and let’s spread the word. If we work together, we can make a difference. We can eradicate Awareness in our lifetime.