Sensible Suggestions for Behavior Modification in the California Penal System

I was watching a prison documentary on the History Channel the other day. I’m not quite sure what attracts me to these prison shows. Even though I’m petrified of prison, I can’t get enough of it on TV.

I was the same way when I was a kid. I loved the Incredible Hulk, but he scared the daylights out of me. I would watch the entire show from behind the couch, absolutely riveted. Ever since then I’ve had Hulk nightmares on a regular basis. I’m 32-years-old and still dream that I’m in my childhood home and I can see him walking in the yard toward the house. Of course, I freak out, run to my parents’ bedroom, and hide under the bed. He always knows precisely where I am. No rifling through drawers, no peeking into closets or behind the shower curtain. He just comes straight over to the bed and tosses it off of me. You’d think I’d have learned by now to try another hiding place. While he’s demolishing the bed, I run out into the garage, as always, and hide in the rear floorboard of my mom’s car. Each time, just as he is peeling back the roof of the car, I wake up, right on the tippy-toe edge of soiling myself.

The frequency of the dreams hasn’t decreased as I’ve gotten older; I’ve just added new dreams to the repertoire. Quite often he chases me along the tops of those huge shelves at Sam’s Club. It’s awesome that I can jump from shelf to shelf, but it doesn’t matter how fast I go, he’s right on my heels and eventually starts throwing pallets of baked beans at me. But the worst dream has only happened once – my parents rented a castle to throw me a birthday party. All my friends and family are there, but guess who my folks invited without telling me? Yes. And he has no interest in eating cake or opening presents, he just wants to chase me all over the castle.

And yet, I love him.

So, maybe I’m just wired to be intensely interested in that which terrifies me. But prison scares me far worse than the Hulk. I’m sure this is common knowledge, but slightly-built white males with no ability to grow facial hair, as a general rule, don’t fare very well in prison. I wouldn’t last five minutes. White boys are free game for any ethnic group. If you don’t know karate, your personal space is going to be violated. A lot. I’ve never been in anything resembling a physical altercation and I doubt my suitors would be willing to settle the matter with a friendly game of chess, so odds are that I would be a nice little toy for the whole inmate population.

For that reason, prison is a huge motivator for me. I will never break the law. If I was ever framed for something and sentenced to the pen, I would take that as a word from the Lord, “It’s time to come home.” Now, my friend Rick would be fine. Even though he may be a hair shorter than me, he loves to fight and is quite good at it. Apparently, if you can just mess somebody up on your first day, people won’t bother you after that (about which Rick would have mixed emotions.) Now that I think about it, I’d probably be fine in prison as long as I could talk whoever framed me into framing Rick, too. He could protect me and I could give him free toiletries.

But anyway, I’ve learned over the last few shows that California has a serious overpopulation problem in their prisons. They’ve got more people in prison than in college, or something crazy like that. Looks like the three-strikes thing is backfiring. Some of their cells are so packed they can’t even fit their entertainment centers in them anymore. It’s hell on earth. Even with all the racial unrest, all the prisoners are of one mind on one thing – the overcrowding problem is a problem.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel sorry for them. I’m just puzzled – how is it that anyone in California has more than one strike? Especially the little white guys. I’m telling you, if I had to go to prison and somehow survived, I’d be Ritchie Cunningham when I got out. I’d be doing community service just because. Bake sales, Habitat for Humanity, nursing drunks back to health, you name it. I’d be as straight as an arrow, friends.

But you wouldn’t believe how many interviews I’ve seen with people fresh out of prison talking about how it would be so much easier to be back on the inside. Help me understand this. I realize that leisure is addictive, but please, there are at least a few cons to being in the big house. No pun. How about being stabbed with a toothbrush out on the playground? (By the way, guess how they get the toothbrush out to the playground? It ain’t in an overnight bag.) How about thrice daily sexual assaults? How about trying to use the toilet with everybody in the cell block staring at you? Call me crazy, but given the choice, I’m fairly certain I would opt for freedom.

But they keep coming back. I saw this one guy who averaged less than twenty-four hours of freedom in between each of his incarcerations. This is getting out of hand. What kind of negative incentive do these people need in order to keep the law? No one seems to have any ideas.

So, I’ve got some proposals. First of all, these lifers who have been convicted of murder, rape, or child molestation by conclusive DNA evidence just need to be rubbed out. You choose the method. And don’t give me the ‘the death penalty doesn’t work as a deterrent’ speech. If the folks on the west coast don’t have the stomach to do it themselves, outsource to Texas. They specialize.

For violent offenders who don’t fit the criteria above, make them watch Oprah and Dr. Phil reruns 12 hours a day. They’ll either be so sissified that you couldn’t pay them to hurt somebody or they’ll be so nuts that the State of California will get a handsome return on all the belts and shoelaces provided to the prison system. Either way, there’ll be a little more elbow room out at Pelican Bay.

All non-violent offenders don’t even need to go to prison. Per se. There are over 550 Cracker Barrel Old Country Stores in the United States of America. I don’t know if it’s still the case, but at one time they had no qualms about hiring the sick and seedy. Just make these people wait tables there, double shifts seven days a week for the duration of their sentence – and don’t allow them to eat the food. Trust me, you have never seen reform like this program will bring.

Then all the prisons in California will be under-populated. Trump can turn them into luxury rehab centers for Hollywood, which will help to address the other great California overcrowding problem.

I may run for President.