Slap-fight on the World Stage

I made an interesting connection the other day. I was watching one of the presidential debates, listening to them bicker, posture, and sulk, and I had a flashback to earlier in the day when my three oldest were fighting about who was going to get to use the squiggly straw for lunch. I was struck by the realization that the behavior I’m trying to eradicate in my children is the same thing I see in all the people who aspire to be the leader of the greatest nation in the world. Tattling. Lying. Boasting. Name-calling. Finger pointing. Whining. Pouting. Given such a consistent parallel, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that these candidates also poop in their pants and eat their boogers.

I have this picture in my mind of Giuliani crouching in the corner of my living room, red-faced, forcing out a grunt through clenched teeth. “Rudy – you’re supposed to do that in the potty, aren’t you? Someone’s not getting dessert tonight.”

“Obama, don’t eat that! Do not eat that!”

Really, the essential difference between the candidates and my three-year-old is their vocabulary – my son knows how to say please and thank you. Is it not amazing that we are poised to elect an overgrown brat to be the leader of the free world?

You know, if you think about it, running for President is inherently narcissistic. Essentially, what these folks are saying is, “Of all the people in the world, I’m the best and brightest.” Can anyone so quick to self-promote really be a self-less servant of the people? Is it logical to believe that people with a life-long history of cut-throat ladder-climbing have all at once adopted an ‘others first’ mentality?

Look at the way they campaign. As they say things like, “I just want to help people” and “no one should have to live a life without dreams,” they are simultaneously giving their opponents a knee-to-the-groin/foot-stomp combo. These debates have all the civility of a no-rules cockfight. Imagine if you or I behaved this way at work or in the neighborhood. We’d be ostracized.

- “Yeah, Doug’s lawn looks good, but what he’s not telling you is that he uses foreign fertilizer. I use only 100% union made American compost.”

- “While my co-worker is slinging mud here, I think the American people would like to know why he continues to park in my parking space.”

- “Okay, let’s think about this. Yesterday, he wanted a Dr. Pepper during his break. But today, he’s drinking a Coke. I ask you this: Can this company really afford another four years with this flip-flopper as my supervisor?”

It really all comes down to the fact that if you want to win, you’ve got to be the most effective slanderer and braggart, while at the same time convincing the most people that you are a bastion of virtue. They don’t even realize how ridiculous they look and sound.

“Don’t let my filthy riches fool you – I love poor people. I’ve always loved poor people. I probably know...oh, goodness...three or even four of them by name.”

“There is an appalling lack of principled leadership in the records of my opponents. As I was just saying to my third wife with whom I cheated on my second wife, 'It’s really sad to see the deficit of moral integrity exhibited by all these other leaders.'”

“The health care system is broken. You know, if there’s one thing I learned while making my millions fleecing the medical community in landmark malpractice suits, it’s that health care must be fixed.”

“Global warming! Global warming! Just think of all the energy that could have been saved if this President hadn’t turned a blind eye to the problem and forced me to use foreign oil to heat my 7.3million square foot Tahoe summer home.”

I want to hear someone shoot straight about why they want the job.

“Why do you want to be President?”

“Well, to be completely honest with you, I’m a self-important windbag, I love power, and I think you and everyone else are morons and I know better than you what is good for you. Can I count on your vote?”

Now that’s a candidate I could get behind – he may have the same character as all the rest of them, but at least he’s honest about it. They all have their own reason – they just pretend it’s above board.

Truthfully, I’d love to be the President, but not for the power and attention. I just think Air Force One is awesome – apparently, you automatically get your own bomber jacket. Plus, I would have my own theater in the White House. Dream come true. And I’ve always wanted to be best friends with a Secret Service Agent. I swear, I wouldn’t get anything done with those guys around. I have a good friend who’s a cop and I know I drive him crazy asking about his job. It would be ten times worse with the Secret Service:

“So, seriously? You’d take a bullet for me? What about a head shot? How do you guys train for that sort of thing?”

“What kind of gun do you carry? Does everybody carry the same kind or do you get to pick your own? Cool. Hey, do you think maybe I could carry one? – I swear, I wouldn’t say a word to anyone.”

“So, have you ever killed a counterfeiter? What’s the worst thing you ever did to a perp? You guys know karate?”

“Hey, let’s go down to my theater and watch In The Line of Fire.”

It may sound ridiculous, but you’d at least know where I stand. As it is, you have to diagram the real candidates’ sentences to nail down what they’re saying on any of the issues:

“You know, I’m glad to be asked this question yet again, which I think I’ve clearly answered a hundred times before. When it comes to gun control, do as I say, not holding me to what I’ve said you should do, while I’m doing something wholely other than what I’ve implied one might do when faced with a situation similar to yours or mine, should the previously mentioned contingencies prove to be applicable.”

“Mmm, yes, immigration. Well, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. So, I think we’ve got to keep that in mind.”

I want someone who is completely unashamed of his own views:

“What’s your platform?”

“The death penalty.”

“Could you elaborate?”

“I’d be happy to. The only thing I’m really passionate about is killing criminals. Executing murderers is a good first step, but there’s far more work to be done. Rapists, child molesters, kidnappers, and those teen punks who bashed my mailbox with a baseball bat - all need to be lit up.”

Of course, I know I’m asking for way too much honesty and humility from these people. All I know is that after listening to the Presidential debates, I’m toying with the idea of putting up my three-year-old as a write-in.